Awaken to our true spiritual nature beyond ego – the goal of all spiritual work.
There is another part of self that is not the ego, an active engaged creative evolutionary part of self. Live in spiritual awareness and oneness all the time, not just in fragmented moments. Bringing heaven down to earth in ourselves. We can shift from one part of ourselves to another…. Changes how we experience ourselves, our lives. Integral enlightenment. State of consciousness affects how we show up in life. (This is notes I took while listening to Craig Hamilton online.)
And who shows up in our lives. This could be the real deal, the one I actually marry and have a life with. If so, I am so honored and amazed, grateful and privileged to have this gorgeous soul be my partner. If not, I am grateful to have this gorgeous soul inspire me and motivate me to put my ideas into action. E-Cyphe, as he prefers to be known at this time, you have already changed my life, I am so grateful for you.
If we actually are partners for life, (prayers answered!), I will have my heaven on earth husband. If we are not, it is easy to say that at this time it would be a cruel cruel joke from the universe, especially with my sister’s last name, Wilson. I love that we could both be Mrs. W. I love that I could actually get to decorate a house we would create for our home together. Oh my God, if you are my dream come true all the way, wow. If not, I will continue with my writing and researching and knowledge of how to start a blog. Maybe even do Affiliate Marketing. I love your dream of sailing away. I hope your dreams come true. I see that it is up to me if this relationship flourishes, if I show up as my true beautiful loving self and leave the insecure hiding place and step out, step up and live the love I have to give and receive. Did I mention that I met him on my mother’s birthday? And all the B signs…. those started the night we met at the library which I arranged so that I could get a look at his plays, poetry, screenplays and determine if he was an intelligent being or someone to run away from.
July 6, 2013
I am honored and grateful as the woman who is with you as you make your dreams come true. As far as I accompany you, it’s all good. I see an authentic, passionate man of integrity and true soul deep love.
I was supposed to wait at least three months before having sex with a new man in my life, should that miracle occur. But today sitting next to you on the stone bench, my triangle tingled and my whole body wanted to be all over you. We’ve both been celibate for many years; don’t think we’ll make it to three months without doing it; I’m on fire right now just thinking about you.
I do not have the heart of the texts on my phone, and remembering some of the conversation brought me here. First the texts:
E: But I was only a few minutes late, you knew I was on my way.
R: It was 15 minutes; I stood around 15 minutes looking for you. I think it’s really disrespectful to leave me standing around like a mook for 15 mins.
E: I’m really sorry, I didn’t know you felt like a mook.
R: Well, I just can’t make plans with you.
E. Robin, We can make plans. I didn’t not show up, I was just late.
R: There is no reason to be 15 minutes late without letting the person waiting for you know and asking if they will wait.
E: I didn’t think it was so long, I’m sorry. I still want to see you.
R: I don’t want to do this. I’m not interested.
Couple of hours go by, E sends text from concert, most of which is on the phone.
Now, thinking he could be nuts: I remembered his telling me what he wants his life to look like; retire in 3 years and take cruises.
He’s got this planned out life, plans for him and for the wife. But you know how life goes, with its drags and detours. And the stuff that actually occurs is of plans not quite yours.
I’d had a flash of a picture of him being controlling and narcissistic. He seems so gentle and he’s a good listener. But I could be totally taken in by someone who is not what he appears and then there’s ugly scenes and emotional devastation. I’m so not up for that.
Then I thought I could be nuts and this could be his ‘look out for the crazy ones’ experience. And I fretted that my tiredness and illness are a total turn off. Maybe I’ll relax more after he sees my inner thighs.
I just took a walk, thank God I made it home. Home all day till 3:30 when I couldn’t take it anymore, the sun is shining, the beach is right next door, well 2 short blocks, right there enough, and I thought getting up from sleeping because this effing virus has me knocked out and getting some exercise would bring me energy. No. The sun is really strong as I walked, slowly, down the beach and back via sidewalks, didn’t get to Dog Beach. Really, I worried I may pass out. Smoking the pot wasn’t working out under the weakened physical conditions. But the pot was good for meditating and visualizing which got me home still vertical. I imagined at one point on my walk lifting the chains that bind me, casting them off and being free. I am so weighted down by negativity and fear. No wonder R M bailed. I wrote to him today, forwarded Linda’s ad to rent her cottage out for Comic Con, offering to clear the ick between us, me being the ick, I think. I would really like to have good vibes between us, him smiling when he thinks of me and not cringing.
E-Cyph. I tell him on the phone just now how I couldn’t sleep and felt groggy and tired all day. He says, “You know what you need when you can’t sleep, arms to hold you.” What? What? I asked him to repeat twice. Really? Wow.
I am eager to look at his work, his writing and see if we really can work together doing that as well as internet marketing. Jewelry?
And on the second night in Ocean Beach, it was revealed (in my mind): I am going to marry this man. I am with him now. We are doing our lives together, working and living in partnership. And so it shall be. And is
I wish I’d written what the revelation was, I do remember getting stoned and feeling, seeing, being in a state of oneness with E, and knowing my soul loves his. Tonight do I know that we will get married? No. I do love him, would miss him if he left my life and will be fine no matter what. Today was a wonderful experience in getting back to my centeredness and finding my own inner strength. I got a lovely text from him this morning that he was going to a judo thing and that he’d call me later. By 3 I figured he was with his friends and we would not go anywhere today and I went to the beach. At 4:30 I got very anxious and had scary thoughts. I figured either his cell phone wasn’t on or with him, or maybe he was in a car accident or maybe arrested again, or maybe having seen my butterfly as he calls it after I got very brave (or stupid) he was totally turned off and I tripped on like that for a bit. I called Laurie and she suggested listening to Pata Pata sung by Miriam Makeba and it worked. Lifted my spirits right up and I took myself for a walk, first to the post office to mail Dan’s birthday card, too bad it’s today; then to dog beach where I met people and their dogs, had some puppy love ups, a little yappy named Daisy, a larger girl named Karma. When I heard that this dog’s name was Karma, I knew it was a gift. His owner, Sophia who lives a moving around life, she’s lost part of a leg and is a husky voiced, white blonde a little rough around the edges. She named her Karma cause karma’s a bitch and so is her female dog.
I found great cheer at Dog Beach, even chatted up a handsome my age dude with an older Queensland named Shawnie. I gave him my card after he asked if I take care of old ladies, too, beside dogs. You never know. This is no catch. He lives with his mother, $9.00 to walk a dog seemed like too much for him by his tone of voice when he repeated, “$9.00..hmm”.
Then I walked back to Cape May along the beach and had a wonderful work out walk. The best part was when I passed some kids in the alley and their dad yelling “get out of the alley, boy”. I asked if the alley was dangerous, he said could be, and then he said something about wishing me something and flying away. He brought me a feather and said here, fly away and told me his name which will not come to mind; a woman’s name I’ve never before heard as a man’s. He was sweet and I told him he was my angel today. He was.
I came home, found my center, even my inner joy and peace. So, I was in a great centered peaceful place when E called at 9:30 saying he’d left his room without his phone that was charging when he went to the Judo thing and then, forgetting all about it, he had a volunteer obligation with new residents to the village. It was a great conversation with great energy. I expect he’s seen my photo by now. He said he’d call me back. Still waiting….
Waiting is part of the deal with this dude. But about that later.
What brought me to the keyboard was the vision of the archetype I am to E: The Jewish neurotic single woman from Long Island, NY. At least he’s from Brooklyn, so he has some familiarity. I still find the belief in me that this is a temporary relationship whereas you think forever.
I got this vision of the archetype I am to you, what I represent and have as my gifts for you. As I am writing this, there are so many thoughts in the time it takes to type a new line, it’s apparent that it’s constantly changing. Each moment. They can only be lived one at a time. I see that taking this slower than we allowed ourselves to go is better. I bet you do, too. I look forward to our next conversation about moving forward. I do love you and no matter who I am to you, and you, to me, I will be loving. You might not always see it that way, of course. Namaste.
I have a FB Friend request from, of all the people at CGSHB, H.. I have to think about this. H, she’s got great energy though she was a sometimes trip to work with. We were all overworked. I wonder why she wants to be friends with me. 1/15/2014 This is an example of the suspicous, non-trusting mindset I have been aware of and eliminating. I think… we’ll see….
Now I feel too full, will have to make smaller salads. But, but what. The phone rang, it was HRC asking for $35.00 membership. I basically told him my life story explaining why membership will wait. I smoked such a small amount of pot half an hour ago and I am very stoned. Not necessarily good stoned, too heavy at the moment. Meditation stoned…..
It’s all good, I do have money in the flow. Watering plants and interview for Dog Vacay. I’m excited and tomorrow I volunteer at the zoo.
How did/am I creating waiting for you. Waiting on you. Not really doing either, just haven’t heard from you yet and am I going to the zoo this afternoon? How will knowing that affect my time right now? I would make sandwiches if I knew for sure.
I know he, like me, has restrictions, his on his time as well as living environment. We are living like teenagers, having teenage relationship issues like, no place to be by ourselves.
You know, I have lots of zoo things to do. Yay! But thoughts of sex arise quite often and I often feel quite aroused down there. I am committed to myself to keep the 3 month till sex agreement. Such is my life…….
I made the sandwiches anyway. One text, Hello Robin, how is your day? No info. Another red flag.
I really am living the teenage life, including the rebellious phase, I smoke pot in Debe’s house, in my room. I am and will continue to be careful not to do it when she might be aware. I use Fabreeze, smoke out the window with a towel under my door. I stand at the window and blow what little smoke escapes between the pipe and my mouth, hand over the bowl asap. This pot is amazing, only takes two tiny tokes and I’m “lifted” as E calls it. When we live together, I cannot keep this illegal (dammit) substance in the house; don’t need him going back to prison.
So, I am going to marry a man named E-Cyph. Who marries an E-Cyph? I guess I do.
Today at the laundromat I found the magazine E, my Sweet Honey Man, likes, Vision. I opened the first two pages to find the first name Bryan and next person named, a Miller. He’s not separate from me and E. We are all the same love. Maybe E fell asleep early. It’s late already. I could not feel so strong a physical attraction till it hurts, if this is not my husband, my partner my till death do us part. Bless Us!
1. Last night was a white light LOVE awakening/awareness; I was on the couch watching The Bachelorette and he was on the trolley going back to VVSD. I had the feeling of being enveloped in love, the butterfly sitting next to me today was a soul touching feeling; I asked the butterfly, “Are you my mother?”. While I am knowing how loved I am and feeling all the white light love around me, I get a text from E. We are having a textmance. It read, “I love you robin!”, which when I picked up my phone to copy those words as they appeared in text, there they were there on the screen as E sent this just now. Is that a miracle? It is a sign! A good one.
He also sent a text that says, “…I LOVE YOU, I love you enough to accept you as the woman of my Karma, nothing less!” And I thought I was the one who needed the man in my life to keep me grounded.
Best night with my miracle soul pal/mate showed up like a beautiful angel, oh my God. For 17 years I’ve had the prayer, the meditation of white light flowing from me and B at the core into the world to heal the world. Tonight when I asked E what his vision of us was, he said that we are the core, it all comes from us. We have a lot of work to do to help people. We love each other we love each other we love each other.
He wrote a play about solitary confinement. One of the characters is the space between thoughts in the mind of the prisoner in solitary for years. It is brilliant, and will serve the actions to ban solitary confinement from the prison system. He is part of that movement. He’s really someone very powerful with pure energy of love. And we will have so much fun living together.
This may be Rick P’s birthday. He was somebody in this life. Happy Birthday, Rick, God bless ya! Wherever you are, still here, gone on…
Well, this morning I woke up and recognized the harshness with which I spoke to E about what he knows and does not know. Maybe, it occurred to me while watering my friends’ plants in their rain forest garden, that the way I said it was how it best served him to hear it. No good night text or good morning one either. No coincidence that I woke up remembering how I expressed my injection* into his reality, to consider my input into this joint venture.
*Injection is a mathematical function that is a one to one mapping.
You know how E says he knows I’m his wife; I now know what he means, I know he’s my souls’ husband. And what about B? It’s the 3 of us, the combination of E and B in a way I don’t understand combined with me. I see the completion of lessons in patience, being with someone who needs some helpful structure and adjustment, with B his PTSD, with E, reentry into society after 8 years and the last 10 months all by himself, solitary, which he is happy for, for it brought him to bliss. And to me. Just extraordinary!
This was so clear in my head while I was walking back from Phyllis’ garden…
I met my husband after, well, my whole life, but I believe for the third time, but. After 30 years of being alone, I understand why it was like that. My husband can only be, in this incarnation, my soul husband/mate. He is my husband. There was funny stuff I hope to recall….
After 30 years of being alone, not one freaking boyfriend, my soul husband walks into my life. Met him at a bus stop. Baby, it starts out like this:
7/28/, my best life yet.
Facebook message to my darling Nazzarena:
((((Nazzarena)))) I can’t wait to talk to you…. I have a wild and crazy and magnificent human being, way out there, creative, brilliant, Brooklyn, 51 year old, gorgeous black man, who, beyond a doubt is my soul’s husband and we are already starting to write together, work together which is tough because my roommate won’t let him in her house and he lives in a dorm because he’s still in a re-entry program and we may not actually have actual sex till December! And the soul recognition physical attraction is nuts!
Naz, I did a meditation for years in which my soul mate and I sat opposite each other and we emanated white light from us all over the globe to heal the world. Last week I asked him, E W, what his vision of us is and he said, “It all emanates from our core, it all comes from us. We are going to help a lot of people.” He really is out there…. Google the Blue Pearl experience. He had that and experienced God. He is so self-realized. After time in solitary, 18 mos., he came out having realized true bliss.
I’m sure I told you about the sweetheart I always loved who died and then I had contact with for years…. I, for some reason, started calling him Bunny when I would talk to him (in spirit). I even asked him if he liked being called bunny and I was answered a few minutes later by passing a young woman (at the Webster) wearing bunny slippers. Naz, yesterday we hung out and I saw his shirt allowed the top of his tattoo to show. I asked to see it, and, weirded me out, it’s a Playboy bunny! Earvin says we are all one. That’s the gist of this wild story. I do hope we speak soon. Always love you and miss our communication and rapport. You’re the best!!! LOVE love love you!
Between Pallavi’s “Don’t you dare run away” admonition and the bunny tattoo, I am done running away, doubting, you know. Fear that he will leave me? I’m working on it. The gift of the bunny: confidence to believe and trust this love. Let it flow, let it be. Just don’t call E “Bunny”!
Letter to Laurie:
So, today I go to a job interview at a souvenir/novelty gift shop downtown in the Gaslamp. Great location. I had an interview set up with Carlos. I called him to say I must have the wrong address, I did, and he tells me I will be meeting with Brian.
So, I get there and meet a guy wearing a nametag that says, Bryan. Then I go with him and sit down at a desk and turn to face him and above his head is a license plate from….
Vermont. Curious, no?
I have the job if I want it. Not so sure. While scouting out the neighboring stores I slipped into a women’s clothing boutique and see prices for high end shop. Okay, nice styles, well-made, stuff you and I would wear. Cool. A staff member approaches me and asks how I’m doing. I’m actually floating on cloud nine because my most excellent boyfriend sent me not one but two romantic funny sweet texts with cartoons and balloons telling me he “Adores” me. So, my mood is infectious and we chat a bit; the guy, Chris, is from Brooklyn! I tell him I am looking for a job and he comes back with an application instructing me to go to one of their shops in another location, pretend I am a shopper and notice how the staff treat me and handle their services. I will do this tomorrow.
I then met with Deanna for lunch and it was Fabulous!!! She is really happy for me, no judgments about Earvin’s prison past and she just shared my joy and was genuinely happy with me.
Then I had a pedicure. It was a truly fabulous day, one of the happiest in my memory of happy days. It was truly the first day I felt fully, without reservation or any trace of fear, that I am having a great relationship with an amazing and very loving, if not a bissel meshuga cause of what he’s coming off of, mensch. He really is being my best friend these days, Buddy! I really, really, really love love love and appreciate him.
I don’t know what the Bryan stuff is showing up for/about… I am not weirded out by today’s episode. I probably won’t work there, though, because of the Bryan things.
Will talk to you over the weekend, I hope.
Love you past the sky and the galaxy,
So I did take the job. It starts September 1st.
We are planning to get an apartment together January 1, 2014. Meantime I will get another place to live where E can hang out, we can work, and we can finally have SEX! Waiting…. It has occurred to me that this is the grand finale of waiting for the purpose of learning patience. And/or burning karma. We are both burning a lot.
I would like now to relay the tales of the “fights” we’ve had. Not really fights, fascinating and dramatic discussions.
The day in the garden, we had our first and our second arguments. I remember the one about my herpes. He was all upset about him being all clean and disease free and considered that maybe he should not be with me. Yeah, right. Maybe the second was when he was upset with me because I expressed willingness to walk away, “right now”, and still be okay. Not. But I talked that talk.
The third and most dramatic until Sunday night’s fight: We were at New Day Café to use my computer and look at setting up a website but we were stymied by connecting to the internet on their line. Until we finally found the volunteer there who helped us get online…. So, we talked about sex. We do talk about it, subliminal sexual satisfaction? Finally, he answered my question of when does that end, when he talked about being celibate and told me in four years. My immediate response was to get really pissed off. (I do have anger in me still, witness my outburst at Barbara A. and my rant to E about Debe.) At one point I called him a son of a bitch! Can you imagine we will live together and probably as man and wife and he will not have intercourse? No, I cannot imagine that either. It was such a scene at the bus stop of me crying and him gut wrenched with how to complete his sadhana and not “spill his seed”. He took a vow of 12 years 8 years ago. Too bad. Once you’re in a relationship, new deal is appropriate. He did consult his books and found there is a way to be absolved and get on with it. Or get it on with me.
Then on Wednesday night after a short computer session at the library we walked down Newport through the Farmers Market. E spied a man at a table showing Eastern philosophy books and one he got all enthusiastic about. When the guy said it was just a $5.00 donation, I caught the attention of the woman at the other end of the table and with E none the wiser, I bought it for him. But I had to stick it in my large black hoodie and instead of trying to hide it for the rest of our time together, another hour, I think, I declared I needed to go to home to use the bathroom. He agreed we would meet at our laundromat.
When he stopped to chat up a fellow outside of a music recording studio, I just kept walking thinking he would know I went to use the loo and we’d meet up at our laundromat. Well, I dropped off the book and booked it on over to meet him when my phone rings and E is incredulous that I would just disappear without letting him know I was going on ahead of him. He tells me it is unacceptable, he’s heading out and hangs up on me. I call him back and he doesn’t pick up. I pick up my pace and make it to the bus stop before he has left. He says he’s all “fucked up” about what I did, that I abandoned him and how can he ever trust me? “What if we’d been in NYC?” “But we’re not in NYC, I would never do that there, we are in OB and you knew I had to use the bathroom and we agreed we’d meet at the laundermat.” He’s really upset and I finally convince him to come with me across the street and tell me about how he’s feeling. After he admonished me for asking several times, “Really? Really?” when he said he felt abandoned.
Finally, I had to spill my beans and tell him that not only did I believe we were clear about meeting at the laundromat, I did resort to telling him that I bought him the book for his birthday (in October, on the 28th). He asked if I was lying to him! He said he really was going to go back to VCC and never call me again. And wonder how he was ever going to live without me! And somewhere in there he muttered, “…yeah, we did have that conversation.” (about meeting up at the laundromat).
Then, after all that, he says so sweetly, so sincerely, “That makes me want to marry you”! That makes me the happiest woman in OB that night. Maybe even in the state of CA.
I love how we work it all out, usually over texts and late night phone calls. This is the craziest love affair, I believe. Poor darling, after a wonderful, magical big fun day at the zoo last Sunday, after eating the beans with rice and guacamole, I got a little stomach ailment and a lot of depression. I cried for about 2 days. He was so sweet, understanding, there with me trying to understand. I do believe that a lot of old stuff came up for me: my old buddies, fear and doubt. I found myself unconvinced that someone, especially like him, could really love me. I seemed hell-bent on destruction of this union of souls. I finally, with his coaching, came to know that fear and doubt are ridiculous in light of what I know to be so with E. He loves me, I love him, I believe we are invincible and will be together and as a team do good things in the world. To think otherwise is the big lie.
Earlier, late afternoon, E called asking if we could see each other tonight. I suggested walking on the Embarcadero to Seaport Village. He thought that was nice. When it got to be about 5:30 and I was lying in bed meditating, staying centered on being patient, being really happy, I did send him a text asking what’s up? He called saying that he was stuck at the facility obligated to attend a meeting, the 12 Step kind even though he is, damn, I forget his word for clean and non-toxic*. So, I improvised: spent money on shrimp and fried rice for tonight’s dinner and tomorrow’s lunch at the zoo during break time of the Ape Class. I wrote a check to the bank for the exorbitant interest rated dental charge, walked it on over to the post office so it will go out tomorrow morning; I wrote a post on ABC’s and Diane Sawyers Facebook page about the fucked up story they aired about the dangers of bee stings! Like the bees are a danger to us; it’s the earth and our food supply truly in jeopardy because we are killing the vital to our planet’s health pollinators of our food supply. I am incensed just thinking about it. Fortunately, I was able to include the e-mail received today from The Peace Team with a message to write to our congress asking they take necessary action to protect the bees. ( Save The Bees Action Page:
http://www.peaceteam.net/action/pnum1131.php ) ABC and Diane Sawyer interviewed a woman who had a drastic allergic reaction 10 YEARS AGO!!!!!
And here I am recording the remarkable tales of the most amazing relationship I’ve never imagined with the most beautiful and so, so perfect for me man. My sweeeet honey man! Whom I asked for when I was about 18 or 20 or so. Better late than never. I love him. I love him. I love him. And I sure know that he loves me. Unless I wake up in an alternate universe in the near future, this is the love that lasts.
We just had a textathon and a phone conversation. We are so, so, so happy, I told him that our souls are ecstatic to be reunited!!! And he tells me he loves to look at me, that I am so beautiful. Wow!
I am going to have to set aside some time and copy the texts here as they appear in our phones
“Look at what they’ve driven us to!”
I made sure to write down E’s exclamation, made while we found a moment’s peace and privacy in the midst of Old Town Transit Station, making foreplay love at the bottom of the ramp that takes those with wheels between buses and trains. It was beautiful if you can believe that… making love in public because ”there’s no room at the inn” for us. But we were alone, unseen by others for the second time ever in our 7 weeks together since the garden. (No, we were not naked, no we didn’t “do it” there. Just very touchy feely)
I will tell the tale of the cigarette run to San Ysidro/San Juan that didn’t go so smoothly. Not terrible, my learning curve. If we do it again, it will go better. Not sure I will…
Today I want to write about my first thought this morning upon awakening: “Thank you for this beautiful new day to learn to be more loving”. Then the meditation in Deepak Chopra’s 21 Day Meditation for Miraculous Relationships today was Miraculous Appreciation. This quote at the top of the page, “Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.” —Khalil Gibran
What a wonderful feeling of synchronicity, a common occurrence in our travels to meet up. Yesterday we were to meet downtown to check out hotels where I can be until January and we either get a place in SD or move to SC for a spell where we can live in E’s house there for way less than the rent we would pay in SD. E got detained at a college interview and counseling session downtown but from which he needed to return to the Vets Center to sign in then out. I went downtown on the bus on my own with hopes E would be able to join me. I’m on the bus having reached Broadway and 3rd when the phone rings, it’s my honey man telling me he’s at Broadway and 12th. He calls in to the center and he doesn’t need to go back and we can do our hotel tour. To me, that is one of the miracles of this relationship. The synchronicity that brought us together at the bus stop on June 23rd continues to work it’s magic to coordinate our meet ups, like when we met at Old Town last Sunday; like when E was at his bus stop when the 10 bus I was on picked him up there and we continued on together to OB.
This was truly one of the most beautiful days/nights of our journey thus far. I love walking around with him. We saw some hotels all in the neighborhood of the store I will begin training for on Monday, this Monday, the 19th. So, we stopped in to learn what the appropriate attire for the job is and met Michael who was working there. It was just lovely. I really like the store, it’s very funky, fun and this may just be a fabulous job! A lot of the merchandise is made to order for Dan Wilson. I know where I will be holiday shopping. Andy buying a baby gift for Michael and Andrea. It was nice to take E there and introduce him to my new colleague.
After a couple of hours of hotel shopping, we continued to walk around downtown and then headed over to Seaport Village which was a whole new sightseeing tour for me. It is a beautiful place. The sun went down and the city lights came up for exquisite visual pleasure. We both reveled in the 360 degree view and loved being in our beautiful city. We had this intense and magical moment of our shared experiences of loneliness and praying for the love we have received. It felt like being inside him, knowing the depth of feeling we both experienced when feeling so alone in the world. For a moment there was no separation between us. I felt united as one with him, my beautiful man.
E said he was aware that he never needs to feel that way again. For all the years E was literally in solitary, I used to say I felt like I was, that I was living a sentence of solitary. It was worth it to share and know something of what Earvin knows. Or as E. is fond of saying, “It’s karmatic”. I guess that time of solitude is our shared karma. I think mine comes from a previous life in which I committed suicide.
And then along came herpes. On Wednesday, the day after our magical Seaport Village romance and deep connections, I wake up with pain in the vagine, pink on the paper upon wiping after peeing. On Thursday, after doing research and discovering horrific findings that no matter what precautions are taken, condoms or not, transmission is always possible and that it is a risk to be in a relationship with a person with herpes. Period.
After an exhilarating weekend in San Francisco, I came back saturated in negativity about E and his intentions. There was his request that his friend Shawn live with us which was so unappealing and unnatural to me. As unnatural as E. completing four years of his vow of abstinence while we live, love and create a life together. Coupled, it led me to imagining a whole scenario of them having some scheme in which an older woman, with or without money is an advantage for God knows what. I asked Bob Winkle if he could think of any scheme in which a woman without money to finance a project would be of use to someone newly released from prison. He couldn’t think of any.
And, with my uncool, big mouth, I shared my fears and suspicions with E. within 10 minutes of our reunion after 6 days apart. He is now taking some time to look at this situation, my recurring attempts to sabotage this relationship. Something he promised to not let me do. Do I think, wish, hope we will continue? Yes. It is a big loss if there is no more. Although, we will see each other again. He’s got programs on my computer that he will need to get off and onto his own when he gets one. I need to have a relationship with him without anyone else’s well intentioned warnings clouding my judgment, my confidence and my love for this man who does make me happy inside like no one else. I feel we fit.
What I want to do is write a letter to my well-intentioned family and friends declaring my friend and love, E., a man who is in the process of building a new life for himself, with me as his partner, and to please trust and respect that I am aware of who I am with and what we are doing together. For now, I need to memorize the Littlearth line of Metal Plated Handbag Collection for my job at Urban Wave, very hip and cool place to work and shop. I was anything but cool in how I presented my concerns to E. tonight, leaving him feeling insulted and belittled. I also need to tell Debe that he needs to be able to come into this house, my home, as well as hers for another month, because he paid his debt to society for a non-violent, unthreatening crime. He will do her no harm. I need to step up and stick up for him. Now.
On the drive back to Huntington Beach on Monday, Hannah driving quietly subdued, I jotted down things that occurred, and some only imagined, to prove that I am being taken in by someone who is insincere. No wonder E’s feelings were very hurt that I could think this way when he displays such joy and affection at seeing me. Last night I actually begged him, again, not to leave me, not to give up on me. He actually suggested we see other people and then if we come back together we’ll have a better point of view, or understanding or better something. I actually believed at the beginning of the forming of this relationship, that he should date others to be sure he’s making the right choice. Maybe….
So, here, in an effort to tell a complete story, even the imagined negativity, are the incidents, comments, beliefs, conclusions, fears, and other bullshit that made me so upset and afraid:
It really stemmed from telling the meeting story, prison confession and all, to Andrea’s mother, sister, to Alyssa and if there’s anyone else, I don’t recall right now. Every time I told the story, it got the Be Careful response, how well do you know him, don’t move in so fast, take your time, etc. Then when E. again brings up having Shawn live with us on Saturday night after a stupid day of each upset because the other didn’t make a phone call, Robin, I, got into a strange mind set. I thought about the abstinence and wondered if that may be a way of not having to have sex with an old lady, that he and Shawn are in a pact for something and that even though I have no money they find me useful in some way. E. had told me that we would put houses in my name because my age would get us low or no taxes. Then I remembered the comment about Jews, they have two names. This seems to mean something to some non-Jews.
I awoke Sunday morning in a forceful clarity that we/I would never have another woman, Shawn or anyone else, except his mother or sister, live with us. Then I really got into the abstinence and no intercourse for me thing more and more convinced it was so that he wouldn’t have to have sex with me. (Maybe the herpes is really supporting his decision to keep his sahdana of abstinence for the next four years.) Then I remembered his warning not to let the well-intentioned warnings of my family and friends get to me. Yes, I was sure he must have chosen me at the bus stop that day because he recognized the answer to his prayers, not someone to love but the naïve older woman who would fall for the flattery of attention from a very handsome, well-built younger man. I am almost believing it as I write this now. Such a convincing story if that point of view is chosen. Then E’s declaration that “Everything is going according to plan, right on schedule.” Includes how he is playing me. Really? He’d have to be some brilliant actor. Or a psychopath. No, not such a kind, thoughtful, considerate man. Not even the one who responded with such nastiness when I called asking where he was, was he okay after no morning texts and no contact all day. I do think he explained that he was on edge and it was because he gets weird when he doesn’t see me more than two days. This occurred on two occasions. The first one was a bit bone chilling because of the lack of warmth, respect and caring. He didn’t sound like the man who says he loves me from his core, as his karma. They all added up to a field of red flags flying everywhere.
Yesterday at our late lunch/early dinner that I did not have enough money to pay for and had to leave my license until I paid the remainder this afternoon, in a mock show of indignation and a stab back at me with injury, E said that the Jews killed Jesus, the Jews killed God. That was weird. If we do get that far, it will be wonderful for E to have Jewish relatives. Honestly though, I don’t think that is what I intended to include after “Yesterday at our late lunch/early dinner….” I don’t remember what I intended to write before I injected the shortage of bill money scene.
Well, I do remember being with him and feeling so stupid for believing he is anything and anyone other than who he says he is and I just remembered….he showed me a text message from S telling him that she was going to work things out with A, I believe, that she really loves him and asking E not to contact her anymore. E said it’s because of their past relationship that he is a thorn in Anthony’s side, so to speak. She sure threw him away quickly, for someone he would even move in with his new relationship as they set up a home and make a life together. Maybe it’s not like that.
E called me a couple of times today, even though conversations were barely had because of interference from trolley lines, announcements and poor reception. I feel that he needs me to be here as someone who cares about what he does, experiences, to know he is not alone. I was wondering if he was feeling alone when he called last night right after his class. Did I write that I was feeling so frantic and panicked when he talked about dating others for awhile? That I begged him, yes, I did say already that I actually begged him not to leave me, not to give up on me. He ended up promising he would never abandon me. Who’s the problem, the crazy person in this relationship? He does have my compassion. I hope I have his. I think so. He always ends up being understanding and accepting. I have to work past his beliefs that I should be feeling a certain way at this time in the relationship. We do get past that, too. I can’t wait to talk to him later, or sooner as his class is ending about now.
Dear God, help me be a more loving, secure, patient and loyal partner to a special man, an extraordinary man. Help me be the one he needs as he succeeds in putting his life together. If that’s our karma.
Some text messages, starting August 27th, 8:41 a.m: Love you more!
August 27th, 5:20 p.m.:ROBIN, at this point in this relationship, we should have some basic understanding as to where WE are in our pursuit of the love we know can exist! WHY haven’t U?
August 28th, 11:41 pm: Good Night, Robin, have a dream of the Love that you have for US! But moreso, for YOURSELF! I LOVE YOU!
Thurs., August 29, 12:02 a.m.: So we’re over Robin!
Thurs., August 29, 2:27 p.m. : Will you tell me what YOU think WE should do Robin K?
I wrote back that I would like us to meet and talk in person about our intentions, to be kind and loving. Then I wrote that respecting his space, I had the urge to tell him I do not want to abandon him and will be here for him when he wants. Now I wish I’d written, Be Creative.
Having looked up Siddha Yoga vow of abstinence, from stories of Muktananda’s wild and questionable breaks of his vows, it occurs to me that I can do abstinence with E, only modified. If he is willing to alter his practice to include me and to allow for infrequent intercourse, I think we can do this. I ask that he compromise his scheduled 4 more years with allowance for say once a year for 2 years, twice for the next two. Four times a year? That’s my vote for allowing necessary sharing and exchange of sexual energy with complete penetration so that we are not set up to fail and/or suffer tension… maybe meditation practice would help that.
In our phone conversation just now, E tells me that he knows we can “do it” and that’s what he was trying to tell me when he said he can satisfy me. I told him I will do this abstinence thing with him but not for 4 years straight without any intercourse. It sounds like he thinks so, too.
Whew! Working at the store today listening to 50’s songs like Tears on My Pillow, Since I Don’t Have You, Lonely Teardrops, even Why Do Fools Fall in Love, and countless other heartbreak epics… I can breathe now.
He said that I am doing my best to make sure that he really does love me unconditionally and that I am a challenging mutha fucka!
9/3/13 Look who’s talking. Challenging. No question!
Last night I sent out an e-mail to everyone I know, almost, in San Diego asking for help in finding someone who needs a roommate or has a room to rent. Linda Lawrence assumed my purpose in moving was looking for someplace to have Earvin sleep over. Well, eventually. But not at Debe’s. So, I added a note saying that it’s really because we are living like a couple of hobos and want and deserve better for ourselves. And so we are working together to make that happen. Really, like a couple of hobos.
1:51 p.m. Waiting at Old Town for E, I text this:
“In my imagination: Your phone is confiscated while looking at me in class and you are escorted to the V.A.
What really happened?”
I had last heard from him at 10:58 this morning after he opened the photo text I’d sent him this morning. Last night I agreed to accompany E to the V.A. for his doctor’s appointment this afternoon. He told me the the bus to the V.A. left at 1:59. This morning at 11:04, I texted that the 35 arrived in Old Town at 1:30. I never heard from him after 10:58 and imagined that his phone needed charging or to be restarted at Boost. I decided that I would keep my word and go to Old Town to meet him for the 1:59 bus. When I texted him from the Ocean Beach bus stop that I was on my way and I didn’t hear from him, my instinct told me that he was not going to be there. When I was on the bus, that same inner voice told me he was not going to be there. When he failed to show on the 10 bus at Old Town and the trolley by 1:51, I arrived at the above conclusion as stated in the quote above. The 1:59 came and went and it was not without tears that I waited for the 2:15 bus back to Ocean Beach. I did my worst scenarios, recovered my sanity and went on with the day, first seeking a used hoody from one of the second hand stores on Newport Ave., the main street in Ocean Beach. There was that moment as I walked up Newport when I imagined something that took E from my life and it was unbearable. How and even Why would I go on? My quest, like my wait at Old Town was for naught. (How’s that for an outdated expression) At 3:15 it seemed like a great idea to get an iced coffee from Starbucks, so, I did. By that time I was comfortable in the knowing that nothing was wrong, E was fine and that it was another phone issue.
I took my iced coffee home intending to feel the coffee buzz and write. I was aware that I really have no food in the house and need to get some things at People’s (Food Coop). I really didn’t feel up to the walk and wished that my friend Ann was still in OB and I could call her and we’d shop, get some coffee and talk about stuff. So, I called her and we talked about her stuff in her new home, a cooperative house up north and my experience earlier waiting for E when I got another call, yes, him. Of course, I said good-bye to Ann and hello to him. He started out with, “You would not believe what happened.” He told me that his phone died when he went to recharge it. That happened to mine the other night and I was not able to use my phone for awhile until I figured out to turn it off and restart it.
He said he looked for my phone number but doesn’t have it anywhere but in his phone. I asked why he didn’t show up at Old Town. He said that he got a ride to the V.A. earlier and was already at the V.A. at 12:45. He mumbled something about not remembering the time we were to meet and then asked me if I had been productive. Not wanting to get into it on the phone, I replied that I had gone hoody shopping upon returning from Old Town. Then he asked what I meant in the last message I sent him, the one in which I imagined a scenario and asked what really happened. I never would imagine that he would forget about me and leave me hanging at Old Town while he went off conveniently with a friend to the V.A. He had that challenge in his voice, the same one when interrogatingly asking if I’d been productive. After asking what I meant in that message, he said we’d talk about it later because he was getting on the bus and would I meet him to go to Boost, downtown, later. I said I would. That was at almost 4:00, it is now 5:15. What do I do with this man in this situation? There is a problem when he forgets about me and leaves me waiting at Old Town; again! (The first time was when he didn’t show up to meet for the concert and after 15 minutes I went back to OB and wouldn’t talk to him for a day.)
At the end of the day, I have the most remarkable life partner I never imagined. We may have to really get clear about what time we are meeting up, but, aside from that major detail, we have the best time together. Yesterday, we discussed, with much resistance from Mr. W who took my need to clarify, what (the fuck) happened, as a questioning of his integrity. He was stressed about his phone dying, not having money, living at the veteran’s facility. But we really did have very different memories of the arrangements we made. Mine was based on the information he’d given me the night before, that he was taking a 1:59 bus, but he’d obviously forgotten the time of the actual appointment.
Today, during 5 hours at McDonalds, making small strides in our endeavors to start a blog, E’s work on his DJ program (he’s got another gig lined up!), reading more of his poetry, his lottery formula, and creating an ad for Craigslist offering our services as teachers of, “With our unique technique we utilize a three-fold process of contemplation, meditation and absorption to re-align your life”. I did not save the title of our ad, Conceptual re-alignment possibly, E will remember.
Afterwards we walked up to Ralph’s, bought￼ salads that we ate at Starbucks inside of Target. As we approached Target, E was exclaiming that we are homeless. I said, no, we do have places to live, just not our own places. He repeated we are homeless.
When we chose our table at which to dine on our packaged salads, seafood for him, Greek for me, we noticed at a table the accoutrements of the homeless, the bulging back pack, bed roll, magazines strewn about the table and floor. When she returned to her table and things, E urged me to ask her if she was alright as her face belied that she was not. She replied that she was okay enough but wondered where she going to spend the night. E made some suggestions, including sleeping in a semi behind Old Town, riding the trolleys and going to a shelter. She shot down each one with stories of almost getting arrested for doing just those things. She said she’d been to 45 states in four years of living on the streets. I remarked that she’s chosen an interesting life for herself; she rebutted that it was not her choice. E offered that she go to Rachel’s, a place for homeless women, don’t know if it’s for those in recovery or not. We gave her our phone numbers if she wanted to look further into alternatives. She ended up resentful of our intrusion into her life. I saw the resentment at the first talk of re-entry into life in the system. Or whatever term I used. She had a puss on when E commented that there were two people she might be upset with but those two weren’t us. She politely asked us to stay out of her business and she left. All the while we talked with her she was rearranging her clothing, taking off a jacket, adding a sweater, pulling up her shirt revealing a swollen stomach I first thought of pregnancy then recognized the sure sign of malnutrition.
When she’d gone, E pointed out that while we were complaining of being homeless, there was this frail young creature, a pretty girl of 21 who is homeless, showing us that we are blessed and reminding us to be grateful for what we have. I say to be grateful for our decisions that brought us to where we are at right now even if those places are not compatible to our desire to be together in the biblical sense. Or to just lie down beside and rest against each other at night as we fall asleep.
I subscribe to Chris Cade’s spiritual messages, including his daily Course In Miracles lessons. Today he sent an article called, “Why it takes 60 Days to Change Your Life”. I wrote back thanking him for providing these “spiritual nutritional supplements”. He wrote back saying he likes the way I say it! I told him he may quote me. I will include a link to his site when I finally publish this blog. I am not yet even slightly savvy with the mechanics of blogging.
I just looked up Chris Cade, he’s now shining his light on Facebook.
I’m watching a Hallmark Christmas movie. In bed, where I’ve been living for several years due to intermittent foot, leg and knee injuries, the latter occurred Monday or Tuesday, I think. I see their contributions to viewers. I just envisioned a new career, tweaking the dialogues to bring them more present in consciousness.
I see a reaction to a comment as if the honest moment that just occurred didn’t happen. Do people do that? Could they move forward in the moment?
The next movie is Love, Lights, Hanukkah! The exclamation point is part of the title.
So, he turned out to be a criminal. A drug dealer. I was a boob! A chump. A Mark. An easy one.
Then I moved into this bedroom in a condo owned by one of the nicest women ever, a Public Health nurse, Libby, whom I met one afternoon by the Capuchins when I volunteered at the SD Zoo.
So, it appears that the Hallmark movie about Hanukkah, I prefer Chanukah, has a mostly Jewish cast. I’m pretty sure Marilu Henner is a shiksa.
Well, “Just published” just popped up!